Home is Where the Plate is

How did schmuck on a rope lead us into a win?
Certainly not by making that fantastic face numerous times.

This is just confusing. Why are you pretending to be part of a painting? No one asked you to pose.

Wow, retarded twins fans. First off, why the holy hell are you standing in the rain like you have never seen water before? And your shirt makes little to no sense, most baseball teams do it outside. Unless you are referring to coitus, in that case, why is your team having sex on fake grass?

ZOMG the ump on the left looks like Grimace's older creepy brother that lives on Grimace island with the other Ronald McDonald characters, like that stupid IAmHungry green mush ball thing and the mcnuggets who get dizzy on a spaceship.  Anyway, ump needs to stop being so obvious with his bun staring.

BWAH HAH at the guy who's mouth can probably fit a bus. Clearly he will be ridiculed for all time.

Uh oh, Horse Tranq appears to be starting to feel the aftereffects of tranqs, such as heart burn and dirty thighs.
WTF spanking?

Oh noooo watch out for his scary shinguards, they might come to life! Who are you, Spiderman?
You can always rely on Texmex to make abrupt faces that cause a person to believe he may become morbidly obese. Don't believe me? Let's put Texmex's ugly face on trial in TEXMEX V. THE WORLD. (?)
Exhibit A: The twist and puff

Exhibit B: The fifty-chin fail of Falafal

Exhibit C: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Exhibit D: Where are my teeth?
We will get back to him in a few I need a break from Texmex hysteria.
Have you ever wondered what Tranq looked like extremely close up when he is thinking about statues?
You're welcome.
You are also welcome to see Tranq if he was a tiger/giraffe/bear at the zoo who wants flesh.

as well as

are equal to nonsense and proof that Reyes is definitely attempting to turn into some sort of animal.
Let's forget about Tranq's ridiculous life and move on to an amazing story from the past.

You see, Grimace used to be even more of a dopey guy with a huge smile/crazy eyes when he was a Brave and his fans chanted moronically. And his bff (in this case, brave for fun) was Chipper. Mostly because Chipper was old and confused about everyday tasks, such as putting his legs into pants and chewing his food. On one cold spring morning, Grimace was walking around the field laughing about literally nothing when Chipper walked over and said "Where the fuck is my glove, Francouer? Did you eat it?" However, the glove is...well you see it. So for once, Grimace did not grimace as brightly as he normally does and had to tone it down so Chipper would not beat him with a raw piece of hamburger.  Eventually, Grimace decided to pretend he was a gumshoe (he is now Grimace the Gumshoe, ask anyone) and "found" the glove using his handy dandy pickle car and a ketchup bottle to write down clues. Then he was traded and Chipper forgot that he had a face.
This story was extremely stupid but it needed to be told.

It's hard to read a few sentences isn't it, big fella? Oh...okay, well, you could have told me that you are making this obnoxious face because you saw a large critter in your garage. How was I to know?

Also, if this was the "large critter" you saw in your garage, you might wanna get your eyes checked. Often.

What is this, the ump choir? Cut it out.
WOW.
You should...I don't...Pushpins would be wise....Um....
Anyway...back to the TexMex trial.

Exhibit J: The trying too hard, no one cares fatty

Exhibit is pimping your ride: The Blowing Chunks. (Stop running so fast tubby)

Exhibit Something: The Apocolypse.
Alternately, there is Apocolypse 2, or the Flight of the Retarded Seagulls

and finally exhibit 47: Not safe for anyone at anytime ever.
Or, God Save the TexMex.

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Yes, alright, just because you did swell doesn't mean I am giving you money for a sandwich.

And YOU should probably stop eating your hat.

And I won't even say anything about you...except can you please quit pursing your lips duck style?
Because when duck lips occurs, jaundice appears with his yellow skin of doom

and clearly all hell breaks loose.
So to celebrate, in an impossibly awkward fashion...

uh, K-Rod and Tranq decided to do a slow motion Native American high five. Which only ten people in the world can do so bravo, I suppose.

It's a very long and stupid high five, so sometimes Castillo likes to interrupt by punching someone.
And of course San-tan-ah, being all proud of doing stuff, took his happiness out on Dirty D's ass.

I like to believe Dirty Pop D avoided him at all costs for the rest of the night and fell asleep in the fetal position.
Especially because the night before, he had to amusingly tell Pelfrey about the time he got his pants stuck on a radiator.

IKE seems like he really cares about the conversation, but in reality wants to become part of the scenery.

Why is everyone waving? And for who's benefit did you roll around in dog crap?

He doesn't wanna show you the world because neither of you are Aladdin. Now get off his back.

Lol at the amazing fanny pack of wonder. Oh, and apologies for the retarded injury you have acquired, random trailer trash.

This guy appears to be posing for something important, but is about to get a BALL TO THE FACE.

Don't worry, there is chicken sauce on his fingers.

Oh no, the wind is using it's abuse attack! Jesus, did that ball open his shirt in a very not sexual manner?
These two need to stop playing hide and seek during the seventh inning, it ruins lives.
Specifically this guy's life, because he is constantly cleaning shit out of his shoes.

Scrub a dub dub?

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Huh. Yes, let's all stand around and laugh about how badly you are playing. How fun.
So a picture of Pelf exists that I must warn you, is creepy beyond reason and logic.
GAH.
It's like he heard an innocent child drop a pin and wanted to see what all the commotion was about. Then he invited the child into his van with candy and goodies.

And apparently this face needed to be made. In what situation is this face necessary?

I have a strong feeling Whitey in the middle hates people, and really wants to destroy the friendship bridge here.

Okay Tranq? I must say, that face is half of the reason Alaska went to war. That, and seals.

Why is everyone helping IKE on the balance beam of hilariousness? 

Here's Fridge, shielding his face from acne.

Here's Pacora, getting ready to karate chop someone in the face. Grimace is amazed, mostly because he thinks food is coming his way.
Apparently every baseball player must pose with a fish at some point in their lives.

Yes, hooray, you wear t-shirts and aren't made of clay. Are you even on a boat?
And Pettitte, really, that fish is so pissed off at you. Especially because why are you attempting to match Chipper's clothing? 
...on closer examination, is that Pelfrey's evil twin Clark Smirkleton? Why do they have different last names? Who names their son Clark? Would this twin really be the evil one?

A cigar is not a fish. Nor is it a wang. Please calm down and stop.
If you are not confused by the next picture, God bless you. Especially if you sneezed.

I don't know what I am looking at, nor do I ever want to.
Rumor has it that Pacora makes "Uh oh Doodie" face when he is confused or aroused
So, I suppose he is confused as to why he is aroused by this fella.
Yes, that is so bonerific I might cry.

Perhaps Andy should stop being delighted at telling Rimrod that he found some food by pickpocketing. Rimrod appears to keep telling Andy that all this land could be his. Not sure what any of that has to do with anything.

Perhaps it has something to do with them attempting to make up 2/5ths of the olympic rings with their arms. 

Perhaps it has to do with...OH GOD. First of all why is Texmex so sweaty and about to blow chunks? And why is that poor old man so frightened that something violent might happen at any second?
Speaking of violence, this is the most violently scary trio to ever exist in anything ever.

It's like Moses parted the red sea and these three were waiting there ready to start a duel, Pokemon style.

HA.
First of all, what?
Secondly, the guy with beard's facial expression sums up all of the emotions I am feeling at this exact moment, even though he really isn't doing much of anything.

Oh Grimace, your ridiculous big glove and ridiculous drunk (?) face reminds me that I need to go check if the criminals are still hiding in David's stove.

Thanks Cabrera. I always dreamed of seeing a bright green condom appear from your mouth.

I...think this guy is stuck. Shall we help? No, never.

You fell too soon, and no one plans on helping you up, turtle pants.

Holy crap, John Maine has crazy eye here. I think he is attempting to explain why he had to leave the game after 5 pitches. Something about a tuba and some chewing gum? Or a hernia in his elbow? Why isn't he fired yet?

No, you cannot raise your hand like we are in a classroom and ask why I think you should be fired. Go pick up the trash and take a nap.

Looking at Jerry like you want to unhinge your jaw and eat him isn't helping your case either.

Don't stare at me with a creepy half eye, you know what I said is true and not just convenient.

Bwahahahah Dirty D looks fake in this picture. And why is he looping his arm around fatty's chunky thigh? For warmth?

This guy hates, HATES doing yoga. But he must, for the children.

If I were to take a wild guess, I would say the catcher is blind and wants to see what ugly people feel like. 

Old man...what exactly are you doing? That belt is probably what made the catcher blind in the first place. And the bat boy is watching what you are attempting to steal, so maybe just give up and become a telephone operator.

Listen up, unless there is a bunch of candy on the ground, can everyone look normally and play the game?
Grump ump is clearly ready to put Nyjer (awkward name) in a headlock. Or a bear trap.

Why is Strawberry attempting to grab...Vanilla (Coffee? Coco bean? Hmm) and explain how to put a dresser together? 

Please stop explaining how butt cheeks are made to everyone you see.
Look, you made Oswalt the Octopus cry here, cut it out.

Why are you so fucking confused? Run around, and sit down normally, shit.

Holy crap! Evil. Rollins better watch his back, literally, I am so afraid of what could happen I need a numchuck for protection.

Um, are you planning on coiling yourself into a pile like a snake? Just let us know, please.

David is telling ump he has to poop. I think. Perhaps.

Are you planning on revealing a huge mustache on your face?

This guy wears his mustache loud and proud, though for the love of God, he shouldn't.
Speaking of awful facial hair issues...

What are Piazza (who looks like a stamp without facial hair) and John Franco (who is fucking old) doing together at the same time? Probably becoming carpenters.

I can't tell for sure, really I never can, but I think guy to the right is really angry about Coco Puffs. It doesn't take much to get him angry though so I have no clue.
I base that all on his "Say what cracker?" face, even though that guy is his black son. Whatever.

Pretty sure no one's face is supposed to do that. Clayton. Who the fuck is Clayton? You? Fuck you.
Let's finish the evening with Tex Mex looking like Snorlax when he accidently eats Prunes.

Or when he is auditioning for a musical called "Rainbows and Unicorns: Passion!"

or when he imitates a balloon pump?

I'll be honest, I have too much fun with this buttmunch.

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To a giant plate of shit mixed with potatos and chyrsanthemums.  Also, could you smirk less for the sake of tiny children everywhere? At least try fuckface.

Um, thanks, random fuck for offering me your testicle that you painted to look like a baseball.
Your confused face just makes me believe you actually knew that was his testicle. Stop pretending.

Fridge's war paint plus the creepy seductive way he is ogling that bat make  me think it's time to play "Uh oh, Pettitte face."

You are not even a pitcher. Plus, skipping isn't cool.

Nor is the old man electric slide. Seriously, you are disqualified, please get your complimentary handkerchief on the way out.

You aren't a pitcher either, but your creepy stink eye makes me want to start vacuuming the carpet for some reason.
Well, at least you pitch. And you are asian, so clearly not a pettitte persona. However, your arm is dirty and your face is stretching to no end so congrats on the prize that doesn't exist.

But you sir, you are disgruntled and discombulated. And your name is Camp. Let's pitch a tent in your face and call it a day. 
And finally, the award for "guy who is trying way to hard, holy shit calm down" goes to Basket Weaver here...

Gotta admit, the facial hair ain't helping either. Go get help.
Godzilla is probably confused as to how he sees an older, more mature version of himself in the sky. "Uh oh, donuts!"

I'm sure the catcher's mask is quite uncomfortable in this sexy position.

Dammit tranq, you are not an inept triangle. Get the ball!

Approaching it like a careful hippo in the wild doesn't help either.

Threatening umps won't put food on your table. It will also get your skirt in a bunch so calm down.

Since when is Terry Francona Harry Potter in a horrible disguise?

I think whitey believes if he touches hands with other guy, there hands will light up magically and rainbows will sprinkle candy onto the field. 
Uh....no. 

Look, fancy guy, we didn't do the chicken dance yesterday. Today, we will not participate in the hustle or whatever is happening here. Please stop trying.

Here's IKE attempting to stop drop and roll onto poor guy that has no idea why fire drills are occuring.

And uh...here's IKE again, waiting patiently for Francoeur to...nevermind. Won't even go there.

Although I'm sure Francoeur can't wait for that nice, tasty...pound. cake. That still sounded awkward.

What is this, the princess and the pea? Stand up!

Um, saying princess was not your cue to appear. Now I have to go take my eyes out and use chopsticks to eat.

Is this Mighty Ducks V-ish pose supposed to intimidate me? Because it doesn't. Go get hockey pucks and glass jaws, then we can talk.
These hooligans probably think the cure for finding the perfect pair of slacks is in that ball. Don't tell them otherwise Davis, just let them fight and claw their way to retardedness.
Stop. You're doing it wrong.

Oh, so black condom umps are back? Hooray for this proud moment.
What the hell is this guy contemplating, how to roast corn on the cob? 

Hmm...several fantastic things happening here. One, guy in white shirt all the way to the left is extremely concerned about absolutely nothing. Two, the one black guy who looks like Wayne Brady. And of course, three, the kid in the striped shirt that is trying so hard when, really? We all secretly hope you fall over the railing.

More ridiculous fan shots. Apparently things are getting "unruly" meaning...wait, is that guy on the right A-Rod? No, stop rimrod, nobody wants to take a picture with you. Fuck you and your ridiculous apparel.

In completely unrelated and stupid news, Man Goodies is supposed to make a comeback two years ago. Seriously, what have you been doing this entire time, sucking eggs? 
Oh. Alright, well stop, and come back to pitching so I can make fun of you.
This post never ends, does it?
Okay, thanks for the reaction. And are your hands made of wax soap?

Yes, guy, we understand a "sweep" but parading this brooms around is unnecessary. Who brings brooms to a party anyway, are you secretly Mr. Clean?

I think Carpenter face is giving a speech to...the other team. Possibly trying to tell them about the time someone attacked his legs with staplers and blunt objects. They all seem to care for some reason.

Why is jeterplug all "Oh, bat, why have you failed me yet again?" Like it's the bat that makes decisions and flunked out of college?
This is apparently the only position Gayday can be in.
I think he's stuck and needs someone to pull him out of the ridiculous pokemon pose.


Here's horse tranq confirming all of the children's beliefs that he is still addicted to, well, the horse tranqs.

For some reason sea weasel is all that came to mind here. Simmer down, freaky.
Shall we play another game called "HOly shit are you guys gay?" Cue the clown music.

Oh, OH almost kissing and....dirty bumkins. This could be uncomfortable at family gatherings.

Calm down, really awkard thin man. You will wait your turn like the rest of the awkard kin behind you.

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I only say anything but sausage because the Brewers, formerly catering to one 'Man Goodies' have these mascots to humor us with.

CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE POSING WITH PENIS LIKE ITEMS THAT ARE DRESSED IN RETARDED/RACIST OUTFITS. UNLESS IT'S CINCO DE MAYO which it was so why the caps? And those are not fucking children so who cares moving on


I think he truly believes that if he takes off the catcher's mysterious mask, he will reveal his true identity  as Jack Bandit, and time will reverse so we lose the world wars.
This freak needs to twist and turn and cuddle just to make ends meet. And catcher's all HEY OH!

This makes innocent puppies bleed out cocaine. Onto the tarp, not around the tarp. 
That made no sense, probably the least sensical thing I have ever said on this blog. But that face didn't deserve much of a sensical comment so ha.

Apparently Fridge "lost his pop" (yea, ok thanks yahoo! sports) which could really mean his Pop lost him. Huh, huh? Think about it.

Ok you don't have to think that hard fucking Marlin, go pack up your suitcase and leave the premises.

Shall we compare this to what happened to your peen when that bear attacked? 
I wonder if Tex Mex is still attempting to become the fattest whale/blow up doll alive.
That's a yep.
Also, the fact that Rimrod here looks reluctant to touch you makes me think you are straight

Ha. Rod's all "yeah, you're bj wasn't all that great. More like a Barney or a Baby Bop"
Too soon? Alrighty

LoL because of the about to be injured and the crying game

J-Jeter! Why have you moved from petting to...oddly groping Texmex's stomach fat? And why is random fuck behind you trying to touch your hair follicles seductively?

Yeahhhh, you're not holding a trumpet.

Clearly discussing tractors. Or something.

Hooray for celebration, but not for defecation! Or comparing the mets to donkeys, seriously Pagan, what?

And this picture is mucho awkward because where are Maine's eyes looking? And why is Blanco about to be thrown into a dumpster? Blah.
I think the world is getting revenge on Grimace for being big and purple or whatever and are deliberately attacking his left elbow. That, or he stole alot of twinkies from orphans, either/or.

Yea, not sure why you are applauding that, it didn't benefit you, nor did it call for excessive sarcastic clapping.
In fact, I am going to leave you with that thought. Think about what you have done.

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